Educational TV

I occasionally run into people who tell me with obvious self-satisfaction that they don't watch TV.

Well, except for PBS.

It's probably because I hang out with the liberal elite.

What these fine people, with their impressive educational credentials, seem to be missing is that they are depriving themselves of the fine educational value of modern television.

For example, without television -- well, television ads to be specific -- how would anyone know that having an erection for more than 4 hours is an actual certified medical condition. Priapism, it's called, I learned from the helpful sellers of Cialis.

Like any good lesson, though, the Cialis revelation raises whole new questions. Like, 4 hours? Seriously? That long before it's a medical condition? How did that get set as -- pardon the choice of terminology -- the cut-off? At 3 hours and 30 minutes, all is well? Just a really good batch of Cialis?

Maybe those questions will be addressed in the next ad campaign.

Anyway, the discourse on painfully swollen male genitalia for some reason got me thinking of Robert Novak.

Go figure.

It turns out that Novak could use a little televised education. Which is surprising, since he makes much of his living by appearing on television. It was, in fact, during one of those television appearances last week that the gap in his education was revealed.

Novak, you may recall, is the columnist who revealed to the world that Valerie Plame was a covert operative for the CIA. She had been working extensively on investigation of Iran's nuclear capabilities, so you can see why telling the world (which, for any Fox News viewers who accidentally happen to read this, includes the aforementioned Iran) what she was up to might not have exactly been in the national security interests of the United States.

So last week, Plame went to Congress to explain why outing her to the world was dumb. It was a pretty simple message. Fox News decided to have a commentator during her testimony. Kind of like the color commentary on Monday night football, only even less necessary.

They picked Novak.

'Cuz that's both fair and balanced.

During his commentary, Novak explained that it wasn't all that big a deal that he published Plame's name in one of the most read newspapers in the world. She wasn't covert, he said, and he explained why:

During the 2000 campaign, she gave money to Al Gore. (That's not the reason she isn't covert -- it's just the reason Novak screwed her over). When you donate to a presidential campaign, you are supposed to list your employer. Plame listed a front company. Not the CIA. And that's why she wasn't a covert operative, according to Novak.

No need to read that again. You read it right the first time. It doesn't make any sense, and Novak's an idiot. But that particular aspect of his idiocy could have been cured with just a small dose of TV. Anybody who watches TV knows the spies have to construct a careful front company so they can stay covert and undercover and sexy.

Ok, the last one might only apply to Sidney Bristow on Alias.

The point is, if Novak spent less time on TV, and more time watching TV, he would know that listing a fake employer is how spies stay covert, not how they blow their cover.

Anyone who watches TV know it's the manipulative evil bosses who blow the spies' cover.

You can see that show on PBS. It's called the news.