What, Santa Ran Out of Coal?

Look, I understand that Christmas is originally a Christian religious holiday.

Well, not "original" exactly. More like confiscated from pagan religious traditions, much like many of Christianity's modern traditions. Jesus wasn't actually born on December 25 in the Year 0 (or would it be Year 1? That always confuses me), and there almost certainly wasn't a decorated tree in the manger. Though some pine boughs might have helped freshen up the place.

Still, even if Christmas is really a solstice celebration with Christian themes grafted onto it, that grafting happened a long time ago, so today's Christians have a pretty solid religious claim to the holiday. I suppose that explains why a Los Angeles company thought it would be a fabulous idea to give 4,000 talking Jesus dolls to Toys for Tots to distribute to poor children whose families can't afford to buy them presents.

Toys for Tots basically said thanks, really, but, um, no thanks. The organization's president explained its toys are distributed on the basis of financial need, and he did not want to run the risk of offending Jewish or Muslim children.

That, of course, set off the crazy Christian Right. Facing a public relations mess, a few days later Toys for Tots changed its mind, agreed to take the dolls and said it had found "appropriate places for these items."

And that, of course, set off the people on the silly Secular Left, who declared Toys for Tots (which is affiliated with the U.S. Marines) was breaching the separation of church and state by "clearly showing the government's preference over one religion."

Humbug.

In their rush to use these stupid dolls to score points in some culture battle only they and Bill O'Reilly care about, these adults are missing a much more important point:

A 12-inch talking Jesus doll is a lousy present.

Not just for Jewish or Muslim children. Or Buddhist, Hindu, or atheist children. Or children who pray to the great Spaghetti Monster. It is a horrible crappy present for pretty much any kid, including Christian kids.

Kids in families who get their Christmas toys from programs like Toys for Tots have enough problems without spending Christmas morning unwrapping a hippy-looking doll that tells them how blessed they are to be poor. That morning, kids -- rich kids, poor kids, middle-class kids, grown-up kids* -- want something fun, a toy, an action figure, building blocks, a dollhouse, games. If they end up with some proselytising doll, they're gonna wonder what they did to piss off Santa.

Christmas may be a Christian holiday, but it isn't just a Christian holiday. It hasn't been in a long time. It is also a secular holiday. And, yeah, a commercialized holiday. But it's also a hopeful holiday, and it should be a fun holiday. Most of all, it's a children's holiday, and they don't need it ruined by a bunch of self-righteous, self-involved pompous adults trying to advance their agendas.

So leave the preaching dolls in the warehouse. Jesus would understand. After all, he knows what it's like to get bad Christmas presents.

I mean, what was he supposed to do with frankincense and myrrh?

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*Inner Child: WHERE'S MY WIIIIIIIII?