It's No Coincidence that November is Also Sweeps Month

The average American out there loves the show 24. Ok. They love Jack Bauer. They love 24. In my mind that's as close to a national referendum that it's OK to use tough tactics against high-level Al-Quaeda operatives as we're gonna get.

Laura Ingraham on ... wait for it...
The O'Reilly Factor

My first instinct upon hearing Ingraham was to try to explain to her that the very reason we have a Constitution is to guarantee that the government cannot do certain things, no matter how popular those things might be. School segregation is a good example. Torture is another. The Constitution, I wanted to explain, was crafted to protect fundamental rights from what some have labeled the tyranny of the majority.

Ok, that isn't entirely true. My first instinct was to scream and throw something at my TV. But screaming upsets my dogs, and my TV was expensive.

Then I wanted to laugh. It was necessary to prevent the crying. See, Ingraham shared her insight on the American political psyche after she and O'Reilly talked about our government stripping a prisoner naked, locking him in a freezer, and making him listen to the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

And for them the only question was whether playing the Chili Peppers was torture.

Dumbasses.

But as I suppressed the screams and wiped away the tears, it slowly dawned on me what a service to democracy Ingraham had done. She simplified participatory democracy. Now we can have it without so much participation. No more pollsters calling you in the middle of your favorite TV shows. No more painfully orchestrated debates between wooden candidates. No more standing in line to vote. We can set public policy just by sitting on our fat lazy butts and watching TV. Genius.

Not to denigrate Ingraham's brilliance, but I feel as a dork that I am obligated to point out that she isn't the first to come up with this idea. It was central to the plot of an old episode of Dr. Who. Collin Baker's Doctor, I believe.

Anyway, I digress into geekspeak. The point is that I watch a lot of television, which means my DVR and I are sitting on a gold mine of public policy analysis. We've compiled the results, and I'm not sure Ingraham is going to be all that happy with them.

For example, "The West Wing" was a popular show for 7 years. It starred a liberal actor playing a liberal president who knew how to pronounce "nuclear." If Supreme Court justices watched more TV, they would have realized just how wrong they were when they appointed W.

"Will and Grace" was apparently an incredibly popular show, and Ellen DeGeneres kissing her girlfriend was one of the most-watched and anticipated moments in television history. That, according to Ingraham's reasoning, is as close to a national referendum on the acceptance of homosexuality as we are going to get.

There does seem to be a bit of a conflict on the issue of crime. "Law and Order" remains quite popular, but "The Sopranos" is practically a multimedia juggernaut, capturing not only the HBO audience, but huge DVD sales. The edge has to go to Tony Soprano and his family, meaning that murder is now an acceptable means of resolving rivalries.

I am having a hard time figuring out the policy implications of "Lost."

Sex, though, is obviously and heartily endorsed under this new governing regime. And I don't mean silent, man-on-top once-a-week missionary position between a man and his wife sexual congress, as permitted by Ingraham, O'Reilly and their family values cronies. No, no, no. By inexplicably granting "Desperate Housewives" a third season, for example, we have given the societal green light to sleeping around -- though that may only be for hot suburban housewives. Decades of soap operas back up this conclusion. And I haven't watched much of "Grey's Anatomy" or "Scrubs," but as far as I can tell they serve as a referendum on sex in hospitals. Apparently we're for it.

Then there's porn, which we as a nation are paying hundreds of millions of dollars a year to watch. Well, you know, not me. Or you. Those other people. Lots of those other people. So while you and I are obviously repulsed by the idea of a random pizza delivery erupting into a three-way with a boom-chicka-boom soundtrack...well, what can we do? As right as our self-righteousness might be, the people have spoken (or moaned) and we've been outvoted. Kinky sex is the law.

Democracy is a harsh mistress.

Hopefully there's a safe word. It used to be "Constitution."