How To Survive A Presidential Speech

As a public service, I offer this brief post in preparation for President Bush's speech tonight -- the one in which he will try to persuade the voters who just kicked the Republicans out of Congress because they are pissed about the Iraq war that we shouldn't just stay in Iraq, we send a "surge" of more troops.

Drink.

Not indiscriminately, of course. I propose drinking through the lens of public policy. It's a little like beer goggles, but more intellectual.

I propose a pretty basic drinking game. When the president utters certain phrases, you imbibe, as follows:

"Victory": This one's a gimme. Chances are it shows up in the first sentence. To make sure you stay conscious for the rest of the speech, only half a drink for this one.

"We'll stand down as the Iraqis stand up": A classic, but seems to be falling into less frequent use, possibly because even Bush is starting to realize it's meaningless and trite. 1 drink.

"Fight 'em over there so we don't have to fight them here": This one's a bit off topic for tonight's speech, but a Team Bush favorite. 1 drink, plus a second drink in the hope the terrorists never heard of Google Maps or Mapquest.

"Nukular": 1 drink. Bonus 2 drinks if he actually pronounces it correctly.

"Cut 'n run": If he's still using this one after the drubbing his party took in the election, we're in serious trouble. 2.5 drinks.

"9/11, September 11 or September the 11th": No drinks. I don't want to be blamed for alcohol poisoning.

At the end of the speech, add up the drinks to see who won.

If no one in the room is able to add, it will be easier to figure out who loses.

That would be us. And the people of Iraq. And our troops.

Aren't games fun?